Dearest Son,

I am writing to you from a place deep inside me, a place I know you have never seen.  I know you've never seen it because it is a place where I have rarely been myself.  That place is my true self, my God center.  It is that quiet, serene place deep inside of me where my Love and Truth reside.

You see, throughout my childhood my original innocence was trampled.  I didn't know what love was because it was rarely shown and if it was, it was met with ridicule and scorn.  I was never nurtured and supported so I couldn't provide that to myself or anybody else........and since I never saw or experienced healthy relationships I was unable to have those in my life........with myself, with my husband, with my children or with others.  In the culture of my childhood I was emotionally abused by men to the point that I learned that men couldn't be trusted and that they were my enemy.  So, as a scared little girl, I learned to survive and fight back. I learned to use anger and sarcasm. I learned not to talk, not to trust and not to feel.  I learned to control everything and everybody around me. It didn't work very well but it's all I knew how to do........and I did survive.

Early in my years I learned that the way out was to get married.  I saw my friends marry and get away from their goofy homes.  I didn't have much respect for the men they married but I knew that was the way it was.  So when your Father came into my life and he seemed a bit attracted to me, I though well, this is my ticket out.  Given my dysfunctional home and your Father's, the marriage could never be more than a constant battleground.  I wanted and hoped for so much more but it was impossible for our pictures of what a man is and what a woman is were badly distorted. We stayed together because we didn't know or truse any other way.  Sad, isn't it?

So now, within my human self lives a woman with bitter memories and failed dreams; with anger and resentments; and, one who can't forgive or who can't love.  I'm still a scared little girl who is emotionally about 12 years old.  I still use accusations and recriminations to protect this scared child........and men are my primary target if I think I have power over them. Of gret sadness, I have left this legacy to all of my children.

Please forgive me!  I know that will be very difficult for you because my human self will not change.  But please understand that I am doing the very best I can with what I know.  When you see me and when you are with me, try to see my God center, that small, soft, warm Light deep inside that is the real me.  Try to ignore my negative attitude and my accusations.  You see, of all my children, you are different.  You have the wisdom, the courage and the understanding to break the cycle of dysfunction. You have already started to change the way you react and act in our goofy family gatherings.  I know it's not easy but keep changing.  I know you can rise above all of this and by your loving example, bring some small healing to the family.

I love you in ways you will never know.

Your Mother
 
 
 
 

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